The Emotions of Change

Within the past year my life has changed dramatically several times. I've never been a person who dealt well with change but I think I'm starting to come to terms with it. I want to get back to being the old person I was. The one that was happy, not depressed and angry all the time. I have to for the baby's sake. My life has gone from I'm in an amazing school to I'm living in the ghetto, to I have no place to live all since October of this year. I have gone from I will never get married and have kids to I'm getting married and having a child in a years time. I want to feel happy again. I need to adjust to this change and learn how to handle it before this baby gets here. I have no idea what is going to happen in these next few months I"m just hoping and praying it's for the better and not the worse. It could really turn out either way.

Unwanted

Whenever I'm with someone or talking to someone I have a fear of being unwanted. I always feel like they're going to get tired of me and leave or just replace me with someone else and in some instances this has proved to be true so maybe that's why I'm scared now. It seems like the further I fall for the person the bigger this fear evolves. I've never gotten to the point in a relationship when I wasn't scared of that anymore. I feel like if I let the other person in all the way and completely trust them that I'm just going to get let down again. I wish I could get over it but I over think everything. It's really bad too if someone even when they're joking keeps putting me down it just makes me feel like they don't want to be around me. I don't think I should feel this way but I do and I wish I knew how to let it go. I feel like I have to work to make someone happy so they won't get annoyed or tired of me. See me and Brad are a lot alike accept he doesn't change for anyone and I do. I'll change and not even realize it. I just like making people happy. I hate to see someone sad even if it's someone I hate after a few minutes of it I'm ready to apoligize, damn I just realized I don't know how to spell apoligize, haha. Anyways and I hate to see someone mad at me. Like after I've argued with someone I'm ready to say I'm sorry and I hate it when I'm the cause of someones sadness. It doesn't matter what they've done to me I still hate to see someone hurt emotionally over something I've done. Now physically on the other hand. If I'm mad at you I kind of get a kick out of it sometimes because I know pain will end eventually. I don't know why I'm still typing. Just my brain running around in circles. And these are a few of my biggest fears ladies and/or gentleman whoever is going to read this lol. Night night, don't let the boogie man into your dreams. Gah, I'm such a weirdo okay I'm done.

My Inner Discovery

I've discovered something recently about myself that I need to change. I realize that even though I think I've forgiven someone I really haven't. I tend to not be able to let go of the past very easily and when someone does something to make me mad I keep bringing up the past and I don't even mean to. Then it just makes things worse than what they already are. I need to stop doing that. It's happened one other time in my life and that was right after I got out of depression. Well I guess it's just a coincidence that I just got out of depression due to the love of my life. I can sort of feel myself slipping back into it sometimes because after I graduated I lost almost all of my friends. The one friend  I do have lives in Nebraska so not very helpful when Brad goes somewhere with his friends. I'm just stuck at the house doing nothing or going places alone. I mean I don't have a problem going places alone, I never have but it would still be nice to have someone I could hang out with and talk to. I have Brad and he's my ultimate best friend but still I can't talk to him like I can another girl. I don't want to tell him to stay home with me because that's just fucked up to keep him away from his friends and it's not like he goes out with them all the time. I mean if  I wanted to I could go with them but I'm not good around people I don't know. I'm just awkward and quiet and weird. Anyways that is completely off topic but I vented a little bit and kinda feel a little better. Kinda... Well anyways it's late and I'm not going to bed but I"m getting off of here so goodnight to the one person who reads this.

My Stupidity

So I did something really stupid about a week ago, well I guess I had been doing really stupid stuff, I just got caught that time. Well anyways now I'm having to pay the consequences for it, me and Bradley both. Well anyways my grandmother found out and told me how much of a dissappointment I was to her and how she thinks I should break up with up with Bradley. I just feel so worthless right now. I mean I don't want to get out of this I just didn't want her to be dissapointed in me and so I was trying to keep it from her. That's what hurts the most. I just wanted to deal with it on my own and now she knows. I really don't know why I'm even writing about this right now, I guess I don't really have any friends anymore and I just feel the need to vent. I just wish her and everyone else could see the side of Bradley that made me fall in love with him. I mean he's been there for me through everything the past few months and supported me more than anyone ever has. He helped me to stop cutting and almost stop smoking. Every time I feel depressed he reminds me of how things can get better. No one's ever done that for me before. No one's ever been worth it before. I finally found someone who makes me want to change my bad ways and it seems like no one understands that. I'm also having a really hard time deciding what I'm going to do next year. I really want to go to Campbell but i don't want to be away from him. I can go to Johnston and stay with him but what if that's a mistake too. I really hate making decisions, they always turn out wrong. I guess it doesn't help when you have no one to give you advice and the ones you do have are biased.

The Hypocrite in Me

What I hate is how I can easily become like the people I hated the most and I don't even realize it. I guess what made me think about this is me and Brad. I'm in love with him and happier than I have been in a long time but what happens one day if  I wake up and realize I want more than what I've got. I know I should be happy with what I have and I am but I just keep thinking what if. I can't promise him that I'm going to love him forever because in all honesty no one really knows that. He could wake up one day and realize the same thing. I say this because that's what happened in my last...well... whatever you want to call whatever that was. I often compared it to the movie 500 Days of Summer because of the quote in there when he says, "How do I know one day you're not just going to wake up and realize you don't love me anymore?" and she said, "I don't know, no one knows that." I realized then that it was the truth. I never pictured myself doing any of the things I want to do now. I never wanted a simple life, I never wanted so "settle down" so to speak but now that's changed. And if I can change that much in three months then, what if something changes me back. I don't want to give up on all my dreams but it feels like that's what I'm doing and I'm just hoping it's not a mistake. I'm just hoping that one day I don't wake up and realize that everything I gave up I regret. Ugh this makes no sense but then again welcome to my brain muahahaha.

Growing Up :)(:/:

As the school year is coming to a close it is nothing like what I expected it would be. It's better. I'm ready to leave everything here behind, the people, the drama, the memories. I want to make other one's else where. I'm ready to move on with my life and start something new. This semester has opened my eyes to a lot of things regarding who I am. It used to be confusing trying to figure out who that was but I think I know now. I'm working on accepting it. What made it confusing was trying to be someone I'm not and expecting other people to accept me when I don't even accept me. I can't really believe how fast not only this school year has gone by but how fast all four school years have gone by. I still remember the first day, walking in with Latisha trying to find our homerooms in the mass of people. All the struggles I've been through and all the memories that were made in these halls. They'll all just be in the past soon. I'm sort of sad that it's over but overall I'm more relieved. I don't want to grow up and doing that is proving to be very hard but I think I'm gonna make it. Somehow, someway, I'll make it the best I can. Until then I'll keep living off of my $80-140 every two weeks and hope everything works out. As of right now I have no plans. I want to go to JCC then transfer in two years to Campbell. I'm hoping that will work out. I guess we'll see soon enough.

Letting Go

I never knew how hard letting go of the past was until I had one to let go of. I didn't even really care if I let go of it until I met Bradley. Whether he realizes it or not he changed my life. I look back on how it used to be and I miss some things and other's I don't. Somethings bring back bad memories and other things take me back to the good ones. I know I talk about Brad a lot anymore but he is a huge part of my life now, better yet he is my life. Right now and hopefully for a long time he is the one constant I have. I don't trust anybody else and sometimes it's even hard to trust him but I know he loves me. It took me a while to believe it and come to terms with it but now I realize that he does. I don't understand though why it's so hard for me to let go of all the painful things I went through in my past and look forward to the good one's. It works for a while and then I have these moments where I can't get it out of my brain. Maybe that's just what makes me human though. I'm sure he has moments like those too. And I know my mom and grandmother do all the time and my friends too. I thought that at the time it wouldn't effect me in the long run that much but it really did. Because of what I did and what happened, it effects the rest of my life. My personality, everything and I hate myself for it. I never thought I would want to take any of it back but I do. If I could do it over again, I would change everything. Until then I guess I'll just keep trying, keep pushing things away and locking them in the corners of my mind and when it get's to be too much, I guess I'll cry and let it out all at once. That's what I always do. But seriously though, if there is anyone who is reading this and you have any doubts about you're actions, don't do it. Be careful who you give you're everything to because once it's gone you can't give it to the next person. And it sucks...balls....hairy one's.

Cruise :)

So as I was laying in bed last night getting ready to fall asleep  I got to thinking about my life. I was depressed for so long even after it was all over with it was still hard for me to see how good it could really be. I know now what I've always known is that happiness isn't a state of life but a perspective of it. Anyways as I was thinking about it, I'm pretty happy with my life right now. It's been a long time since I've been able to say that. I may not have a lot of money but I have a job. I may not have a lot of friends anymore but I have Brad and that's more than enough. My family may be crazy and put me through bullshit sometimes but I love them and they keep things exciting. And honestly I owe this realization to Brad because without him I wouldn't have been able to see this. He doesn't realize how much he does help me. I'm a bitch to him sometimes....okay maybe a lot but he still chooses to stay. Through my bullshit, through my families bullshit, he's still there. That's more than I can say anyone has done for me. Sometimes I don't just need a friend to listen to my problems, I need someone to be there with me and hold my hand as I go through it all and he does that. I know that I don't have to be alone anymore. So yea thank you Brad, I know you're going to read this so thank you for what you've done. I love you more than you know. I'm always here for you and I'll never leave you as long as you don't want me to <3

Free Falling

So I've found someone worth falling in love with. After what happened with my last almost relationship I thought it would take me forever to get over her. I thought I knew what love was but I'm being proved wrong. I thought I had fell in love with my best friend but I'm seeing now that I was wrong. What I have now is so much more than I ever thought I had. He's becoming my best friend and my boyfriend and that is what I've always wanted. I always wanted to fall in love with my best friend. We've been dating for three weeks today but it feels like it's been forever. I'm with him all day everyday and I still miss him when he leaves. People tell me to be careful but I really don't think I have anything to worry about with him. He's perfect and I love everything about him. Other people might not think so but I do. Falling in love is scary but I'm slowly learning how to trust that they won't let me fall. I don't want my past to interfere with this relationship and that's what I'm trying to keep out of this. I've never felt this way about anybody before. I hope everything works out for us.

I Hate Myself For Loving You

I'm not sure what I plan to write about right now. I'm not even sure anybody reads these post anymore that's probably a good thing though haha. Well, anyways here goes...
Have you ever loved someone too much to hate them? It's such a complicated and agrivating emotion. She kills me but at the same time she makes me feel so alive. I want to let her go but I'm not really sure how to do that and I'm not really sure it's a good idea. We're so much alike.  I know most people wouldn't think we were but we really are. She understands so much that nobody else does. I'm not even really sure how I fell in love with this girl but I did and I can't seem to fall out of love with her. I feel like I'm always going to love her. We've been through so much together. She's my best friend. I can tell her anything and be myself. I miss how we used to be. I want to continue talking to her but I never know what to say. I always wanted to see her happy. I wish I could be the one that makes her happy. She thinks I hate her but I don't. She thinks I'm always mad and I am always mad but it's towards myself not her. I hate myself for loving her sometimes. I don't understand why I can't let her go. I don't understand why I can't just say fuck you and move on. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know how to get free. I hate feeling like this. I feel so incomplete and I don't know why. Like i'm looking for something but I can't find it, I'm not even sure what it is. Maybe I'm looking for my heart. She stole my heart and I can't seem to get it back. I did once but somehow it always finds it's way back to her. You always hear these things about how you're supposed to follow you're heart but if it keeps leading me to the same place. I miss everything about her. Her eyes, her hair, smell, lips, smile, facial expressions, hands, the smell of her breath, everything.  I hate that I can't explain this emotion. I think maybe it's love. I feel like an idiot. I'd go to hell and back for her. Sometimes I wonder if she'd do the same for me. She's smarter than I am though. I thought maybe I was different and that's where I went wrong. I know more than what I did when I started. It's so weird though, this connection that we have. It's like every time I'm upset she always turns up out of the blue and then I don't feel so alone. But here I was this time standing on the bridge between me and her pouring gasoline and getting ready to strike the match and I'm back to square one again. And it's not even her fault. I have no one to blame but myself for this insanity. I control myself no one else. She's like my weakness though. I can be a bitch to everyone else but not her. I lie to myself all the time and tell myself that I don't care about her anymore but as soon as I see her my breath is taken away and every wall I've built comes down on top of my head. I wish someone understood this besides her. No one does though. I've tried. They all say it shouldn't be so hard to just quit her. Or they tell me to just cut all contact with her. And I could do that but what if it's a mistake? I don't just come across someone like her everyday. I want to be stronger, but I'm not. She was the only one who was there for me at the darkest point in my life so far. She kept me alive when I didn't want to live anymore. I have no right to feel this way about her but I do. I don't even really know why I do. I'm not even sure I'd really want a relationship with her. I guess it would just be nice for things to go back to the way they were but then at the same time I don't want them to. I don't know what I want but I want something. This probably makes no sense to anyone but it made me feel better. I'm gonna go watch sad movies that remind me of her and cry now.

Back Stabbers

I am so fucking sick of being stabbed in the back by my friends. Every things all good until they boyfriends or girlfriends then I'm not shit to them. I only have one person I can still talk to and hang out with. They'll make plans with me and then cancel them because they're significant other didn't want them to go. Well what about what you want? How hard is it to them no? I mean yea you might think they're the most important thing to you now but what's going to happen when they leave you, or break your heart? You're not gonna have anyone left because you pushed them all away for someone for one person. Whatever though, I hope they break your heart and I hope you realize how stupid you were then.

Bags of Flour

I recently heard this theory in a book I read. It stated that people carry around other people's burdens as well as their own.The teacher in the book demonstrated this by having his students carry around bags of flour and never told them when to stop carrying them hoping they'd wonder what the point was and eventually stop carrying the bags. I realized that this was very true. Most of the burdens I carry are someone else's. If one of my friends or family is sad I am sad too. I carry other people's worry and stress and I'm not even sure why I do it. It's just something that I've always done. After a while it takes it's toll on me and I think,  why am I worry about this problem when it's not even mine to worry about? Yet I still don't let it go. Maybe because I don't know how? I"m not sure what the point of this blog is. I guess this just struck me as something that I think all people do at some point without realizing it. I want to know why people do these things. It's fascinating to me.