The Hypocrite in Me

What I hate is how I can easily become like the people I hated the most and I don't even realize it. I guess what made me think about this is me and Brad. I'm in love with him and happier than I have been in a long time but what happens one day if  I wake up and realize I want more than what I've got. I know I should be happy with what I have and I am but I just keep thinking what if. I can't promise him that I'm going to love him forever because in all honesty no one really knows that. He could wake up one day and realize the same thing. I say this because that's what happened in my last...well... whatever you want to call whatever that was. I often compared it to the movie 500 Days of Summer because of the quote in there when he says, "How do I know one day you're not just going to wake up and realize you don't love me anymore?" and she said, "I don't know, no one knows that." I realized then that it was the truth. I never pictured myself doing any of the things I want to do now. I never wanted a simple life, I never wanted so "settle down" so to speak but now that's changed. And if I can change that much in three months then, what if something changes me back. I don't want to give up on all my dreams but it feels like that's what I'm doing and I'm just hoping it's not a mistake. I'm just hoping that one day I don't wake up and realize that everything I gave up I regret. Ugh this makes no sense but then again welcome to my brain muahahaha.

Growing Up :)(:/:

As the school year is coming to a close it is nothing like what I expected it would be. It's better. I'm ready to leave everything here behind, the people, the drama, the memories. I want to make other one's else where. I'm ready to move on with my life and start something new. This semester has opened my eyes to a lot of things regarding who I am. It used to be confusing trying to figure out who that was but I think I know now. I'm working on accepting it. What made it confusing was trying to be someone I'm not and expecting other people to accept me when I don't even accept me. I can't really believe how fast not only this school year has gone by but how fast all four school years have gone by. I still remember the first day, walking in with Latisha trying to find our homerooms in the mass of people. All the struggles I've been through and all the memories that were made in these halls. They'll all just be in the past soon. I'm sort of sad that it's over but overall I'm more relieved. I don't want to grow up and doing that is proving to be very hard but I think I'm gonna make it. Somehow, someway, I'll make it the best I can. Until then I'll keep living off of my $80-140 every two weeks and hope everything works out. As of right now I have no plans. I want to go to JCC then transfer in two years to Campbell. I'm hoping that will work out. I guess we'll see soon enough.

Letting Go

I never knew how hard letting go of the past was until I had one to let go of. I didn't even really care if I let go of it until I met Bradley. Whether he realizes it or not he changed my life. I look back on how it used to be and I miss some things and other's I don't. Somethings bring back bad memories and other things take me back to the good ones. I know I talk about Brad a lot anymore but he is a huge part of my life now, better yet he is my life. Right now and hopefully for a long time he is the one constant I have. I don't trust anybody else and sometimes it's even hard to trust him but I know he loves me. It took me a while to believe it and come to terms with it but now I realize that he does. I don't understand though why it's so hard for me to let go of all the painful things I went through in my past and look forward to the good one's. It works for a while and then I have these moments where I can't get it out of my brain. Maybe that's just what makes me human though. I'm sure he has moments like those too. And I know my mom and grandmother do all the time and my friends too. I thought that at the time it wouldn't effect me in the long run that much but it really did. Because of what I did and what happened, it effects the rest of my life. My personality, everything and I hate myself for it. I never thought I would want to take any of it back but I do. If I could do it over again, I would change everything. Until then I guess I'll just keep trying, keep pushing things away and locking them in the corners of my mind and when it get's to be too much, I guess I'll cry and let it out all at once. That's what I always do. But seriously though, if there is anyone who is reading this and you have any doubts about you're actions, don't do it. Be careful who you give you're everything to because once it's gone you can't give it to the next person. And it sucks...balls....hairy one's.

Cruise :)

So as I was laying in bed last night getting ready to fall asleep  I got to thinking about my life. I was depressed for so long even after it was all over with it was still hard for me to see how good it could really be. I know now what I've always known is that happiness isn't a state of life but a perspective of it. Anyways as I was thinking about it, I'm pretty happy with my life right now. It's been a long time since I've been able to say that. I may not have a lot of money but I have a job. I may not have a lot of friends anymore but I have Brad and that's more than enough. My family may be crazy and put me through bullshit sometimes but I love them and they keep things exciting. And honestly I owe this realization to Brad because without him I wouldn't have been able to see this. He doesn't realize how much he does help me. I'm a bitch to him sometimes....okay maybe a lot but he still chooses to stay. Through my bullshit, through my families bullshit, he's still there. That's more than I can say anyone has done for me. Sometimes I don't just need a friend to listen to my problems, I need someone to be there with me and hold my hand as I go through it all and he does that. I know that I don't have to be alone anymore. So yea thank you Brad, I know you're going to read this so thank you for what you've done. I love you more than you know. I'm always here for you and I'll never leave you as long as you don't want me to <3