Resentment and Betrayal

So just recently I found out that I was cheated on by the one person who was supposed to be my best friend. I want to forgive him and honestly it didn't shock me as I though it would but I resent him for it so much. I'm thinking of going to see psychologist again because of this. I just can't seem to get the images of them out of my head. I want them to go away so bad but I can't make them. I want to work it out with him and I know that it can be done. And no I am not and idiot for taking him back after this happened. The images of them come at me like a ton a bricks and it feels like I can't breathe. Luckily it's not all the time, it's only come occasionally. I don't want to think about them and what they did. I don't want to picture them having sex and kissing. For some reason the fact that he kissed her hurts more than the sex part of it. I don't really know why. I'm glad I put up walls weeks ago when I first started expecting him of cheating on me. I mean it's not like I'm completely stupid. When your relationship goes from here babe answer my phone to just let me delete this right quick, and he comes home with scratches all over his back and says it's just from wrestling I know somethings being kept from me. He told me and said he'd been wanting to tell me for a while. He said he felt horrible about it. I'm not really sure what to believe on that area though. After he tells me he did is several times with her in one day, I just don't really know if I can believe that he felt that bad about it. I feel better now that it's in the open. These past couple of days, we haven't argued at all about anything really, but it still hurts. I feel like we can work through these issues and come out stronger and raise our child together but I just don't know how long it's going to take to get over this. The internet keeps saying it'll take me two years to get over it and we haven't even been together for a year yet. I just needed to get this off my chest. I just really wish someone could tell me what to do.

New Years Resolution

Most new years resolutions people make never come true, but I am determined to make this one come true. My only vow for this year is to love myself more. I feel like it's something I need to do not only for myself but for my baby as well. Every mistake and heart break I've ever made and had has led me to this beautiful child and for that I have no regrets. Sometimes I feel like I do but honestly every path and decision you make in your life leads you to where you're going to be. I am going to find humor in the fucked up situations I get in. I'm done with hating myself because of what other people say. I'm tired of being told what to do and I become a bitch to people then oh well because I am 18 damn years old and I am well capable of making my own decisions. I can do bad all on my own. I don't need anyone pointing out my flaws or putting me down. If anything happens to me and Bradley I'm done with 3rd chances and so forth. I don't have time for them anymore. I have bigger things to worry about. If your with me then your with me if not then you can kiss my ass. This is my life, this is our life and I promise to do the best I can. I'm done with tears and I'm done with worrying over people that want to keep secrets. What no one has ever fucking understood is I am alot stronger than I look and when they fucking hide shit from me not to hurt me, it just hurts even worse. I"m done with giving people my everything and only getting half of them. No one will ever get inside again. No one will ever see who I truly am. This past year I have been hurt and I've healed, and I've been hurt again. Every year it's the same damn thing. Not just by my significant others but by family too. I'm over the bullshit and I have more to live for now than just myself. I control my future and I am in charge of where I end up in life and heart broken will not be it.

The Emotions of Change

Within the past year my life has changed dramatically several times. I've never been a person who dealt well with change but I think I'm starting to come to terms with it. I want to get back to being the old person I was. The one that was happy, not depressed and angry all the time. I have to for the baby's sake. My life has gone from I'm in an amazing school to I'm living in the ghetto, to I have no place to live all since October of this year. I have gone from I will never get married and have kids to I'm getting married and having a child in a years time. I want to feel happy again. I need to adjust to this change and learn how to handle it before this baby gets here. I have no idea what is going to happen in these next few months I"m just hoping and praying it's for the better and not the worse. It could really turn out either way.

Unwanted

Whenever I'm with someone or talking to someone I have a fear of being unwanted. I always feel like they're going to get tired of me and leave or just replace me with someone else and in some instances this has proved to be true so maybe that's why I'm scared now. It seems like the further I fall for the person the bigger this fear evolves. I've never gotten to the point in a relationship when I wasn't scared of that anymore. I feel like if I let the other person in all the way and completely trust them that I'm just going to get let down again. I wish I could get over it but I over think everything. It's really bad too if someone even when they're joking keeps putting me down it just makes me feel like they don't want to be around me. I don't think I should feel this way but I do and I wish I knew how to let it go. I feel like I have to work to make someone happy so they won't get annoyed or tired of me. See me and Brad are a lot alike accept he doesn't change for anyone and I do. I'll change and not even realize it. I just like making people happy. I hate to see someone sad even if it's someone I hate after a few minutes of it I'm ready to apoligize, damn I just realized I don't know how to spell apoligize, haha. Anyways and I hate to see someone mad at me. Like after I've argued with someone I'm ready to say I'm sorry and I hate it when I'm the cause of someones sadness. It doesn't matter what they've done to me I still hate to see someone hurt emotionally over something I've done. Now physically on the other hand. If I'm mad at you I kind of get a kick out of it sometimes because I know pain will end eventually. I don't know why I'm still typing. Just my brain running around in circles. And these are a few of my biggest fears ladies and/or gentleman whoever is going to read this lol. Night night, don't let the boogie man into your dreams. Gah, I'm such a weirdo okay I'm done.

My Inner Discovery

I've discovered something recently about myself that I need to change. I realize that even though I think I've forgiven someone I really haven't. I tend to not be able to let go of the past very easily and when someone does something to make me mad I keep bringing up the past and I don't even mean to. Then it just makes things worse than what they already are. I need to stop doing that. It's happened one other time in my life and that was right after I got out of depression. Well I guess it's just a coincidence that I just got out of depression due to the love of my life. I can sort of feel myself slipping back into it sometimes because after I graduated I lost almost all of my friends. The one friend  I do have lives in Nebraska so not very helpful when Brad goes somewhere with his friends. I'm just stuck at the house doing nothing or going places alone. I mean I don't have a problem going places alone, I never have but it would still be nice to have someone I could hang out with and talk to. I have Brad and he's my ultimate best friend but still I can't talk to him like I can another girl. I don't want to tell him to stay home with me because that's just fucked up to keep him away from his friends and it's not like he goes out with them all the time. I mean if  I wanted to I could go with them but I'm not good around people I don't know. I'm just awkward and quiet and weird. Anyways that is completely off topic but I vented a little bit and kinda feel a little better. Kinda... Well anyways it's late and I'm not going to bed but I"m getting off of here so goodnight to the one person who reads this.

My Stupidity

So I did something really stupid about a week ago, well I guess I had been doing really stupid stuff, I just got caught that time. Well anyways now I'm having to pay the consequences for it, me and Bradley both. Well anyways my grandmother found out and told me how much of a dissappointment I was to her and how she thinks I should break up with up with Bradley. I just feel so worthless right now. I mean I don't want to get out of this I just didn't want her to be dissapointed in me and so I was trying to keep it from her. That's what hurts the most. I just wanted to deal with it on my own and now she knows. I really don't know why I'm even writing about this right now, I guess I don't really have any friends anymore and I just feel the need to vent. I just wish her and everyone else could see the side of Bradley that made me fall in love with him. I mean he's been there for me through everything the past few months and supported me more than anyone ever has. He helped me to stop cutting and almost stop smoking. Every time I feel depressed he reminds me of how things can get better. No one's ever done that for me before. No one's ever been worth it before. I finally found someone who makes me want to change my bad ways and it seems like no one understands that. I'm also having a really hard time deciding what I'm going to do next year. I really want to go to Campbell but i don't want to be away from him. I can go to Johnston and stay with him but what if that's a mistake too. I really hate making decisions, they always turn out wrong. I guess it doesn't help when you have no one to give you advice and the ones you do have are biased.

The Hypocrite in Me

What I hate is how I can easily become like the people I hated the most and I don't even realize it. I guess what made me think about this is me and Brad. I'm in love with him and happier than I have been in a long time but what happens one day if  I wake up and realize I want more than what I've got. I know I should be happy with what I have and I am but I just keep thinking what if. I can't promise him that I'm going to love him forever because in all honesty no one really knows that. He could wake up one day and realize the same thing. I say this because that's what happened in my last...well... whatever you want to call whatever that was. I often compared it to the movie 500 Days of Summer because of the quote in there when he says, "How do I know one day you're not just going to wake up and realize you don't love me anymore?" and she said, "I don't know, no one knows that." I realized then that it was the truth. I never pictured myself doing any of the things I want to do now. I never wanted a simple life, I never wanted so "settle down" so to speak but now that's changed. And if I can change that much in three months then, what if something changes me back. I don't want to give up on all my dreams but it feels like that's what I'm doing and I'm just hoping it's not a mistake. I'm just hoping that one day I don't wake up and realize that everything I gave up I regret. Ugh this makes no sense but then again welcome to my brain muahahaha.