Storm Warning

Sometimes I really struggle with the fact that I have no idea who I am. I'm almost 18 years old and I still don't have a clue. As an adult aren't I supposed to? I wonder if we ever really know who we are. We're always changing depending on people you meet and things we see everyday. I feel like that quote from Alice in Wonderland, "I knew who I was this morning but I've changed since then." Part of my problem is that I over analyze everything. I've always believed that we hold the answers to certain questions within ourselves but sometimes they're so hard to find and looking for them is exhausting. I guess I'm just confused, contradictory, and just a mess and that's okay. I need to learn how to accept things for what they are and not waste my time and my emotions on things that don't matter. I want to go back to when things were simpler. Before I grew up and made major mistakes of my own. Life has never been simple or easy for me but it definitely wasn't this complicated. I once heard someone say that the key to happiness was lowering your standards and changing your view of life required changing the way you think about things. Kind of like how they say once you do something a bunch of times it becomes routine. Well this is me lowering my standards and trying to let go of they past. Tomorrow I'll probably change my mind and my view on this idea but what's important is that I had it in the first place....I think. Ha ha I have no idea. 

People

 I really can't stand people. I'm not talking about people I know even though they may get on my nerves from time to time, but the dumb asses of everyday life. How hard is it to just do what you're told to do. Why must you make everyone else's life miserable because you want to be an ignoramus and not follow directions. Why do find the need to talk when you're not supposed to making it hard for me to concentrate. All this being said the reason for this post was a series of events that occurred in my first period class today which is chorus. You aren't allowed to eat or drink in the room for various reasons. One very important reason being that you cannot sing properly with food or drink in your mouth. So after getting yelled at to "show more energy" at 8 in the morning and "be louder", Mr. Wheeler points out that this bitch behind me is eating a damn pop tart. Why the fuck would you do that? She can't sing to begin with so lets make worse. Then we had to go set up for the concert in the gym. We were told to stay in order to avoid confusion once we got on stage. So what does everybody do? They get out of line to go socialize so we have to be yelled at even more. I hate having a class that big, and I especially hate the freshman or level one's. I just hate all stupid people in general. I can also be stupid sometimes but I at least try not to inconvenience others with it. 

The Memory

I really hate how hard it is to forget something. I might forget it for a little while but then the memory of it comes rushing back without warning and every effort I made to forget it is gone. I wish  I could have a new brain or get amnesia to forget people, moments, and things. It's not even the bad memories that hurt me, it's the good ones. They're the ones that make me miss someone. The ones that I look back on and realize how much has changed. The bad memories happen and then their over with and it doesn't bother me that much to look back at them because I learn from them. It's especially hard when everywhere you go reminds you of that thing you're trying so desperately hard to forget. I've never been good at moving on. I always give in and instead of forgetting that person I forget the reason I wanted to forget them in the first place. That's a lot of forgetting in one sentence. Well either way, that was my main internal struggle for the day if anyone cares. I feel better now :)

Little Hell

I'm not really sure what I plan to write about right now I just feel like I need to. As of today I am no longer in a wheel chair but just like everything else in my life once something gets better other things get worse. My family is about to fall apart again and right before Christmas of course. A fight I'm sure I'll end up in the middle of. I'm just so ready to get away from all the drama and negativity. I'm not really sure how I plan to do that but I'm definitely going to make it happen some way. Sometimes I just want close my eyes, point to a place on the map and go wherever I choose. I just want to leave everything behind and start over new. I'm tired of this life and people in it. I'm tired of fucking up and getting hurt by people I thought I could trust. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough anymore. I feel lost and confused and trying to find my way only seems to make things worse. The paths I walk are deceiving and I'm too stupid to realize it. I can't wait until this school year is over so I can finally get out of this town and leave the past behind. I've let myself get hurt too many times by too many people and what sucks is I don't hate them no matter what they do to me. I love people I shouldn't and I trust too easily. I think the worst part is that no one understands and the one person who does, is part of the problem. My family and friends are always the ones who depend on me because I'm always there but who do I go to? Who do I have to depend on? This probably makes no sense so I'm just going to stop writing now.