Resentment and Betrayal

So just recently I found out that I was cheated on by the one person who was supposed to be my best friend. I want to forgive him and honestly it didn't shock me as I though it would but I resent him for it so much. I'm thinking of going to see psychologist again because of this. I just can't seem to get the images of them out of my head. I want them to go away so bad but I can't make them. I want to work it out with him and I know that it can be done. And no I am not and idiot for taking him back after this happened. The images of them come at me like a ton a bricks and it feels like I can't breathe. Luckily it's not all the time, it's only come occasionally. I don't want to think about them and what they did. I don't want to picture them having sex and kissing. For some reason the fact that he kissed her hurts more than the sex part of it. I don't really know why. I'm glad I put up walls weeks ago when I first started expecting him of cheating on me. I mean it's not like I'm completely stupid. When your relationship goes from here babe answer my phone to just let me delete this right quick, and he comes home with scratches all over his back and says it's just from wrestling I know somethings being kept from me. He told me and said he'd been wanting to tell me for a while. He said he felt horrible about it. I'm not really sure what to believe on that area though. After he tells me he did is several times with her in one day, I just don't really know if I can believe that he felt that bad about it. I feel better now that it's in the open. These past couple of days, we haven't argued at all about anything really, but it still hurts. I feel like we can work through these issues and come out stronger and raise our child together but I just don't know how long it's going to take to get over this. The internet keeps saying it'll take me two years to get over it and we haven't even been together for a year yet. I just needed to get this off my chest. I just really wish someone could tell me what to do.

New Years Resolution

Most new years resolutions people make never come true, but I am determined to make this one come true. My only vow for this year is to love myself more. I feel like it's something I need to do not only for myself but for my baby as well. Every mistake and heart break I've ever made and had has led me to this beautiful child and for that I have no regrets. Sometimes I feel like I do but honestly every path and decision you make in your life leads you to where you're going to be. I am going to find humor in the fucked up situations I get in. I'm done with hating myself because of what other people say. I'm tired of being told what to do and I become a bitch to people then oh well because I am 18 damn years old and I am well capable of making my own decisions. I can do bad all on my own. I don't need anyone pointing out my flaws or putting me down. If anything happens to me and Bradley I'm done with 3rd chances and so forth. I don't have time for them anymore. I have bigger things to worry about. If your with me then your with me if not then you can kiss my ass. This is my life, this is our life and I promise to do the best I can. I'm done with tears and I'm done with worrying over people that want to keep secrets. What no one has ever fucking understood is I am alot stronger than I look and when they fucking hide shit from me not to hurt me, it just hurts even worse. I"m done with giving people my everything and only getting half of them. No one will ever get inside again. No one will ever see who I truly am. This past year I have been hurt and I've healed, and I've been hurt again. Every year it's the same damn thing. Not just by my significant others but by family too. I'm over the bullshit and I have more to live for now than just myself. I control my future and I am in charge of where I end up in life and heart broken will not be it.