My Inner Discovery

I've discovered something recently about myself that I need to change. I realize that even though I think I've forgiven someone I really haven't. I tend to not be able to let go of the past very easily and when someone does something to make me mad I keep bringing up the past and I don't even mean to. Then it just makes things worse than what they already are. I need to stop doing that. It's happened one other time in my life and that was right after I got out of depression. Well I guess it's just a coincidence that I just got out of depression due to the love of my life. I can sort of feel myself slipping back into it sometimes because after I graduated I lost almost all of my friends. The one friend  I do have lives in Nebraska so not very helpful when Brad goes somewhere with his friends. I'm just stuck at the house doing nothing or going places alone. I mean I don't have a problem going places alone, I never have but it would still be nice to have someone I could hang out with and talk to. I have Brad and he's my ultimate best friend but still I can't talk to him like I can another girl. I don't want to tell him to stay home with me because that's just fucked up to keep him away from his friends and it's not like he goes out with them all the time. I mean if  I wanted to I could go with them but I'm not good around people I don't know. I'm just awkward and quiet and weird. Anyways that is completely off topic but I vented a little bit and kinda feel a little better. Kinda... Well anyways it's late and I'm not going to bed but I"m getting off of here so goodnight to the one person who reads this.

My Stupidity

So I did something really stupid about a week ago, well I guess I had been doing really stupid stuff, I just got caught that time. Well anyways now I'm having to pay the consequences for it, me and Bradley both. Well anyways my grandmother found out and told me how much of a dissappointment I was to her and how she thinks I should break up with up with Bradley. I just feel so worthless right now. I mean I don't want to get out of this I just didn't want her to be dissapointed in me and so I was trying to keep it from her. That's what hurts the most. I just wanted to deal with it on my own and now she knows. I really don't know why I'm even writing about this right now, I guess I don't really have any friends anymore and I just feel the need to vent. I just wish her and everyone else could see the side of Bradley that made me fall in love with him. I mean he's been there for me through everything the past few months and supported me more than anyone ever has. He helped me to stop cutting and almost stop smoking. Every time I feel depressed he reminds me of how things can get better. No one's ever done that for me before. No one's ever been worth it before. I finally found someone who makes me want to change my bad ways and it seems like no one understands that. I'm also having a really hard time deciding what I'm going to do next year. I really want to go to Campbell but i don't want to be away from him. I can go to Johnston and stay with him but what if that's a mistake too. I really hate making decisions, they always turn out wrong. I guess it doesn't help when you have no one to give you advice and the ones you do have are biased.