I Hate Myself For Loving You

I'm not sure what I plan to write about right now. I'm not even sure anybody reads these post anymore that's probably a good thing though haha. Well, anyways here goes...
Have you ever loved someone too much to hate them? It's such a complicated and agrivating emotion. She kills me but at the same time she makes me feel so alive. I want to let her go but I'm not really sure how to do that and I'm not really sure it's a good idea. We're so much alike.  I know most people wouldn't think we were but we really are. She understands so much that nobody else does. I'm not even really sure how I fell in love with this girl but I did and I can't seem to fall out of love with her. I feel like I'm always going to love her. We've been through so much together. She's my best friend. I can tell her anything and be myself. I miss how we used to be. I want to continue talking to her but I never know what to say. I always wanted to see her happy. I wish I could be the one that makes her happy. She thinks I hate her but I don't. She thinks I'm always mad and I am always mad but it's towards myself not her. I hate myself for loving her sometimes. I don't understand why I can't let her go. I don't understand why I can't just say fuck you and move on. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know how to get free. I hate feeling like this. I feel so incomplete and I don't know why. Like i'm looking for something but I can't find it, I'm not even sure what it is. Maybe I'm looking for my heart. She stole my heart and I can't seem to get it back. I did once but somehow it always finds it's way back to her. You always hear these things about how you're supposed to follow you're heart but if it keeps leading me to the same place. I miss everything about her. Her eyes, her hair, smell, lips, smile, facial expressions, hands, the smell of her breath, everything.  I hate that I can't explain this emotion. I think maybe it's love. I feel like an idiot. I'd go to hell and back for her. Sometimes I wonder if she'd do the same for me. She's smarter than I am though. I thought maybe I was different and that's where I went wrong. I know more than what I did when I started. It's so weird though, this connection that we have. It's like every time I'm upset she always turns up out of the blue and then I don't feel so alone. But here I was this time standing on the bridge between me and her pouring gasoline and getting ready to strike the match and I'm back to square one again. And it's not even her fault. I have no one to blame but myself for this insanity. I control myself no one else. She's like my weakness though. I can be a bitch to everyone else but not her. I lie to myself all the time and tell myself that I don't care about her anymore but as soon as I see her my breath is taken away and every wall I've built comes down on top of my head. I wish someone understood this besides her. No one does though. I've tried. They all say it shouldn't be so hard to just quit her. Or they tell me to just cut all contact with her. And I could do that but what if it's a mistake? I don't just come across someone like her everyday. I want to be stronger, but I'm not. She was the only one who was there for me at the darkest point in my life so far. She kept me alive when I didn't want to live anymore. I have no right to feel this way about her but I do. I don't even really know why I do. I'm not even sure I'd really want a relationship with her. I guess it would just be nice for things to go back to the way they were but then at the same time I don't want them to. I don't know what I want but I want something. This probably makes no sense to anyone but it made me feel better. I'm gonna go watch sad movies that remind me of her and cry now.

Back Stabbers

I am so fucking sick of being stabbed in the back by my friends. Every things all good until they boyfriends or girlfriends then I'm not shit to them. I only have one person I can still talk to and hang out with. They'll make plans with me and then cancel them because they're significant other didn't want them to go. Well what about what you want? How hard is it to them no? I mean yea you might think they're the most important thing to you now but what's going to happen when they leave you, or break your heart? You're not gonna have anyone left because you pushed them all away for someone for one person. Whatever though, I hope they break your heart and I hope you realize how stupid you were then.